Diary of a Midlife Cruiser

A fond farewell to Blogville

2011-11-07T12:58:00.001-08:00

I’ve been in a blogging slump ever since we were in Oregon. I think all the rain turned my brain soggy, and all the green trees and vines wrapped themselves around my typing fingers making it impossible to lift a finger.

I title this piece “My Verdant Madness”

Not that you would have wanted to hear my thoughts at that time. I think I’ve discovered I’m crazier than even YOU imagined.

I had fantasies like this:

This one is called “The Pacific Ocean’s Dinner is served”

And here’s my favorite part :) I was snickering as I drew this wee little castaway:

And with those two original pieces of artwork as a hint, I have an announcement to make…

We’ve decided to dry out in the place that captured my heart last year….Sunny California! The minute we drove off, my head and my heart kept telling me that we needed to go back, go back, go back, go back, go back, GO BACK!!!!

Because I missed the palm trees, the sunshine, the B E A C H …

… the silly seagulls, and even the stanky seaweed.

And THIS TIME, I KNOW just a short visit isn’t enough. I want to LIVE here. I want to work on growing some roots and nurturing myself here.

Living the fulltime lifestyle was fun. I had the chance to see things I’d only seen in pictures, or in the movies. I was able to take the time to get to know myself in a way I’d never had time to do before. We got to explore and discover EXACTLY what makes us happy, and where we want to live.

So why quit fulltiming?? Well, in a nutshell it’s because of how isolated I’ve felt. I want to be able to have conversations with people that don’t just start at hello and always end with goodbye. And for me, bonding with people through deep conversations about life experiences and finding that sense of connection trumps talking about the weather and where I come from (one sperm and one egg…like duh!). Oh, and of course I’ve missed things like…hanging out with girlfriends that know my crazy side and spur me on. What can I say? You know I like to get jiggy with it!

Plus, I LIKE knowing where I fit in my surroundings. I like staking a claim on a grocery store, and calling it MINE. I want a library card again. I want to know my doctor’s name, and that if I get a weird rash all over my body including my butt crack (yeah, a nice souvenir from Oregon), I can trust he’s gonna fix me before I scratch myself a hole to China.

Oooh, I also want a mailbox where I can reach my hand inside and pull out my mail…I’ve even missed junk mail.

So there you have it. It’s done, finished, finito, over. We are going to take our time looking for a place to rent or buy here…

THEN, I’m getting a really big, rusty nail and poking holes in every one of the RV tires before throwing it in the ocean for the sharks to fight over. And who knows, they may even take it on their own RV journey :) As long as I’m not invited…tee hee!

So now when you think of me, you can picture me sharing my supper with mooching seagulls.

Riding my bike on the sand with a big grin on my face as seaweed gets tangled in my spokes. And Delightedly picking out saltwater crystals from my nostrils each night!!! Ok, so you’re excused from picturing the last one. Hey, at least I didn’t draw you a pretty picture of THAT!

California already feels like H O M E.

I’d like to thank all my faithful blog readers who have become like family to me. You’ve made being on the road lots more fun than if I didn’t have you to share it with. On days when I was feeling lonely and depressed, a comment from one of you picked me up, and reminded me I wasn’t as alone as I felt. I’m sending you all a big virtual squeeze.

Oh, and can’t can’t forget to thank you for appreciating my ~~poop~~ humor and giving me a big head… Now I don’t just THINK poop is funny, I KNOW it.

I love you all!

If you’d like to stay in touch via Facebook. Just send me a link to your page, and I’ll be sure to “friend” you!

As they say in Vietnamese….Adios amigos! (What, did you actually think I’ve been spending my time learning another language?? heehe)

Now, I’m off to make snow angels in the SAND!

xoxo, Nellie

(over and out!)

Birds do it, humans shouldn’t? Or should they?

2011-09-19T19:54:00.001-07:00

I knew something was up when this little curmudgeon came prancing in the room with a message tied around his neck with dental floss.

After flossing my teeth, I opened up the note to reveal the message inside:

Aaaak!! Is that what I think it says? A helicopter ribe?? As in up in the air? In a little sardine can with a propeller?

Thousands of feet in the air without a flight attendant peddling peanuts and little bottles of whiskey?

Oy crap.

I think the mister must have mistaken me for TV’s “The Bachelorette” because he was serious about taking me on a date of a lifetime.…in the air….without a parachute. I was scurred.

At the end of this, I darn well better get a rose in the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER (If you don’t rot your brains with Reality TV, you will have NO idea what I’m talking about).

Everything was fine at first. Because we hadn’t taken off yet.

I was pretending I work at KKRAP Radio and am their weather and traffic “Eyes in the Sky”. See the handsome man next to me? He’s my co-pilot. And we are having a torrid love affair. We sneak away in MY trusty helicopter to exotic destinations like Fiji and Chiang Mai where we land on the sandy beaches and *he* collects fancy seashells while *I* get to go spear fishing for Lobsters in my coconut shell bikini.

The WiLd fantasy entertains me enough while we are parked in the grass. Then I feel the propeller start to whirl. And the dream disappears in a puff of helicopter exhaust.

And we’re going up, up, up in the air. Jonathan is a master at taking pictures out the window.

And he gets some amazing shots of places we’ve been hanging out at since we got here…well, minus the fabulous bakery we’ve been going to EVERY day. I think our patronage has paid for their light bill.

Cannon Beach! Look familiar? It was in a scene in the movie, Goonies.

So while the mister was snapping shots of beautiful scenery, I was busy flapping a laminated piece of paper I found in the helicopter in front of my face. Trying to distract myself from needing to barf up my waffle breakfast. It required lots of concentration and a few ugly faces….and it worked.

Then, before I could say, “Are we there yet??” check out what we flew over…

Then our fearless pilot (the real one, not me) landed the whirly bird as gently as if he had a cargo full of eggs…

…and our feet were able to touch the earth once more.

Check out the video below to see if I decide to travel by helicopter INSTEAD of RV from now on:

Owling is the new dumping

2011-09-10T18:30:00.001-07:00

We are on the Oregon coast!!

Aaaaah…..The beach! The sand! The WaVeS! The sun! The salty breeze!

The pooping dog…….screech!

Humph! I was SO OFFENDED because you KNOW how this sort of thing totally grosses me out (what? I’m the epitome of decorum….when I sleep.)

But then, thankfully, I remembered when Roxanne from “The Good Luck Duck” posted on her and Annie’s blog that this crouching and grunting is actually called “Owling”.

And she gave us a first class demo of the process. (Notice how she and the Dynamic Doggy Dumper are making the SAME “Don’t mess with me while I’m concentrating” face...why, even their front arms are in sync! Synchronized pooping…I mean “Owling”.)

And then she told us that it’s all the rage, and that it was sure to catch on.

So, I just wanted to give her a show-and-tell today to let her know….

She was right.

**********

Feeling so thankful we get to turn back into BEACH BUMS (while avoiding any more crappy Owling land mines) here in Cannon Beach, Oregon. Yall know how I lurrrves me the BEACH….. **T H I S** much!!!!!

Hey, look, this Owl can Flyyyyyyy!!!!

(Oops, I think I just “owled” in my pants!”)

Afternoon of annihilation

2011-09-09T14:31:00.001-07:00

(Jonathan and his Dad)

So, you’ve been waiting with baited breath for the surprise John (Sue’s brother) had in store for us, right? If you have no idea what I’m talking about, see the previous post (or if you’re genetically predisposed to laziness, just click here).

Well, get ready for this….He took all of us on a once in a lifetime safari in an open field in Washington!

And instead of riding around in a dirt encrusted off road jeep, binoculars clenched in our hands, we were cruising around the field in a tractor….with our faces pressed to the window in eager anticipation….well, only one face pressed against the window…hmmm.

Extra, Extra! Overprotected 37 year old goes on first tractor ride.

So what was the goal of this mysterious expedition? Was it to encounter the regal Panthera leo? Or how about the 12,000 pound Loxodonta africana? Were we there to race the sleek Acinonyx jubatus?

Nope. We were there to………mow the grass. For reals. And because we don’t get out much, and we are so easily entertained, we all got to take turns zipping around the field.

And as we were watching the blades of grass disappear under the tractor, bumping along in the air conditioned cabin, an incredible thing happened.

Bald Eagles started following us. And it was NOT because of my super smelling shampoo (like this time), NOR was it my magnetic personality drawing them in.

It was because they spotted the “Three Blind Mice”!!!

See how they run???

But alas, they are no match for this mighty bird’s sharp talons. And before long, as the wee little mice realize death is imminent, they poop in their tiny pants, say a little prayer, and then they are ingurgitated in one gulp.

And now, for your viewing pleasure (Yeah, right! It’s really just to get many, many complements on my outstanding National Geographic-ish photo taking skills), here are MORE bald eagle pics from the lawn mowing safari!

No applause, folks. Just throw money :)

Washingtonians

2011-09-03T21:23:00.001-07:00

Eeek!! There’s a volcano outside my window! Talk about a distraction when hauling 12,000 pounds behind us. Thankfully, this one hasn’t blown its lid. Old wooden toothed Hor-hey Washingtón would love being named after this beautimous state.

Being on the road, we see lots of new things. Exciting things. Strange things. But sometimes I miss seeing FAMILIAR things. I miss having conversations with people who know me and love me. Who want to take care of me. And feed me. So who better to wrangle into a vacay to Washington than my fabulous inlaws!

Jonathan’s stepmom, Super Sue has a brother who lives in Bay View, Washington…the perfect setting for a family gathering.

John lives on a slice of heaven, and he let us give his “boring” yard some character with our tin can on wheels. Look, it’s an eagle! (this is a heavy foreshadowing warning for ya)

For gratis, yall!!!

We spent days just lounging around…

…with some of my favoritest people in the world.

Jonathan’s dad, Don & stepmom Sue

We got treated to fresh seafood from Alaska…like every day…except for the time we ate steaks :) John did some grilling voodoo magic.

And all we had to do to get a great meal was sit politely at the table and not act like a couple of barbarians. Must. act. normal. Ugh, too hard. It makes me feel constipated.

Another day, we went sightseeing at Deception Pass.

I would have tried some cliff diving, but Sue wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t convince her it would have been good fodder for the old blogola.

Then we went home, and came across this guy just perched up in a tree waiting for his photo shoot.

Sue’s brother John was all like, “Big whoop. Wait till tomorrow. I’ll show you something really cool.”

And I was like, “Whatevers. This is so freakin cool already. NOTHING can match up to seeing a bald eagle in your tree, dude.”

So all youz just have to wait like I did to see the surprise John had in store for us!

Until then, I’ll leave you with a parting family picture:

Uh, yeah, that’s me looking like a creeper. I told everyone, “Ok now a funny picture...”

And THIS is what I got. Hardy har har.

Clobbered

2011-08-26T01:47:00.001-07:00

You know it, and I know it, and fo sho my starving husband knows it. I’ve been in a food slump lately. I can’t bring myself to cook meals with ingredients bought at the world’s most boring store. Nope, I won’t mention it’s name. The people who work there wear polyester blue vests and comfortable shoes. They sell everything from lettuce to butt wipes to tires to gold fish (the kind swimming in dirty, overstocked tanks AND the kind you shovel by the handfuls into your kid’s mouth to shut them up at church).

There just hasn’t been much choice when it comes to grocery shopping when we’ve been out on the road. And after spending long stretches in a state park or in a podunk town with only a gas station and a dairy queen, I know deep down inside that the store that I will not name should be like a mirage in the desert.

But griping is fun, and having a break from cooking & doing dishes is funner (ok, ok, the truth is I don’t do dishes either. The mister is the only one around here who has to endure dishpan hands. What? I’m busy blogging, like duh!!)

Jooner pitches in when something really needs a good swipe.

So after weeks of patiently suffering through my “hells no, I ain’t cooking” strike and my persistent “woe is me” because I have no fresh ingredients face, Jonathan thought a little inspiration was in order. A little trip to S-Town would do the trick. Let’s just say, my man knows the way to my heart.

What? You were thinking flowers? No stinkin’ way!!!!

He took me to the Pike Place Market!

And as I crossed under the sign, I swear I heard a choir of angels led by a very dirty looking St. Peter. Or maybe it was the grungy street musicians playing for donations. Whatever. This place called to me, and my belly responded.

Oh yes, let the salivating begin!! I LOVE seafood. I love cracking those crunchy exoskeletons with my powerful thumbs and ripping legs off of dead crustaceans. Yes, I do!

I was born in Louisiana so I’ve had lots of practice decapitating and peeling apart the southern cousin of Lobster….the CRAWFISH!

Down on de bayou we tak dem der crawfish home for our supper, cher. Once da crawfish is boiled, we just dump corns, potatoes, onions & da crawfish on da table, and everybody just serves demselfs yea!

Speaking of wreaking havoc on things with tails, can you guess what this guy can do with a fish? You’d be wrong.

I have a video. And let’s just say Mr. Fishsticks is not going to make the Hall of Fame. And also, the fish you’re about to watch has “X X” where his eyeballs used to be.

Oh, and maybe it’s a good idea to watch this so you will see that fishmongers are real people too.

This is a farewell to Seattle! Until we meet again, my friend.

Plump pie hole

2011-08-23T11:06:00.001-07:00

To discover what treasure is hidden inside my mouth…

…you’ll have to sing the following song…

…in your manliest baritone voice. You know, the one that makes you sound like an orangutan calling out for his mate.

But instead of singing the traditional words, feel free to modernize the song based on what you REALLY eat at the ballpark these days…not what yo grandpa snacked on while watching Babe Ruth sashay around the bases.

Ok, first, a little vocal warm up.

♬ Me, ME, me, me, me, me, meeeeee ♬

(only just my FAVORITE words in the whole world. So lucky I get to sing that before every performance!)

Ok, here we go…

♬ ♬ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAAAAAME ♬ ♬

♬ TAKE ME OUT WITH THE CROOOOOWD ♬

♬ Buy me some SUSHI ♬

♬ AND FISH STICK DOGS♬

♬ I DON’T CARE IF WE BOTH LOOK LIKE HOGS ♬

♬ FOR IT’S ROOT ROOT ROOT FOR THE

♬ TEXAS RAAAANGERS (sorry Seattle Mariners!) ♬

♬ ♬ IF THEY DON’T WIN IT’S A SHAAAAME ♬ ♬

♬ ♬ ♬ FOR IT’S ONE, TWO, THREE ♬ ♬ ♬

♬ STRIKES YOU’RE OUT ♬

♬ AT THE OLD BAAAAAALLLL GAAAAME!!!!!!!! ♬

-What’s YOUR favorite game food??

-What food is your ballpark known for??

Who the heck would want to sleep in Seattle?

2011-08-22T16:38:00.001-07:00

I love Seattle soooo much, I want to squeeze it tight with my claw, and keep the Space Needle as a souvenir.

I’m particularly fond of the Space Needle. Is it because it’s a one of a kind architectural masterpiece? Or because it’s easily identified in movies like Sleepless in Seattle? Or that people travel here from all over the world to mug in front of it?

HECK NO!

Me gusta the Space Needle because of one reason, and one reason only…

It’s my thumb’s doppelganger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, know what else I can do with my opposable thumbs??

Pick up tasty treats at a ~~coffee~~ hot chocolate house. See, I’m a donut minimalist. Plain chocolate cake donut. When I’m finished, I drink the crumbs out of my cuppa.

I know you guys think I’m a glutton. But this time, I didn’t beat Jonathan with my hammer-head thumbs to keep all the donuts for myself. No, like a good wife, I let him have his own.

So if I’m a donut minimalist, the boy is more like a maximalist. He takes his donuts with inch-thick frosting, and shaved coconut. Then, he licks the crumbs off the plate….and the table too if I didn’t remind him the Ebola virus could be hanging onto the table waiting for it’s next victim.

**********

With my belly full of sugar, I decided to go “walling”.

You know, planking on caffeine.

I think I’m addicted to Seattle!

**********

P.S. Ding, ding, ding! Brenda wins a pRiZe for having endured this Fugly RV park in Bellevue, WA too!

So what does she win?

Well, how about the most AWESOME poop picture EVER taken by “The Original Sherry” in my favorite place in the whole universe….YELLOWSTONE! She emailed it to me, and I stole it for Brenda to enjoy when reading today’s blog…Poopsiedaisy!

Oh yes, I know you are TOTALLY zooming in to see what else you can find in those poop cracks! Gives new meaning to a “fiery” discharge!

Double the pleasure, double the fun

2011-08-13T12:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, when my eyeballs pop open in the morning, I have to really dig deep to remember:

What city we’re in (Seattle)

What the campground looks like (fugly)

And what kind of trouble I got myself in the night before (just a little graffiti artwork with a ball point pen). I’m so hard core. I’m likely to do some jail time if I get caught for this.

There was some vandalism involving some chewing gum as well.

Many, many, M A N Y pieces.

And after a night of trouble making, I decided a life of crime is worth it as long as they serve me bread and butter in my jail cell. I hear you even get to watch “The Bachelorette” on satellite TV. And the currency the jail birds use are sticks of gum….lots and lots of sticks of gum. I think I’ve got that covered.

Swimming in a bowl of sugar

2011-08-06T14:54:00.001-07:00

Back in the day, I used to be a cooking maven. I had lots of counter space, and I could line up all of my cooking accoutrements like soldiers preparing for a messy kitchen battle.

Since moving into the RV over a year ago, I’ve rarely found inspiration in trying to prepare food in Barbie’s RV “dream” kitchen, and cooking food in an Easy-Bake Oven makes me want to poke myself in the eyeball with a spatula.

Never fear….I’ve discovered a solution to the cooking crisis! We are spooning up ALL our vitamins and minerals in colorful, sugary, crunchy goodness! I bet we even eat better than the astronauts!

Just look at all those vitamins and minerals….and SO MUCH variety!!! Oh yes, we are going to be strong and healthy on this new cereal diet!

And because I know man/woman cannot live on cereal alone, when we get to a real city, the first thing we do is get on http://yelp.com to research the best “cheap eats” to supplement our diet.

In Portland, we found FOOD CARTS!! Cheap, tasty, and whole city blocks of them to choose from.

The one we picked got good reviews in lots of magazines and on Yelp. And do you recognize the lady in from the magazine the window? Cool, huh?

And her food?

Well, if you can handle the smell of car exhaust, sitting in bird crap on the curb, and strangers walking by jealously eyeballing your every bite….

SO WORTH IT!!! Fine dining street side.

Although, I’m not sure we got ALL 9 essential vitamins and minerals.

I guess I’ll let it slide this time. We can always supplement with a bowl of vitamins and minerals for dessert :)

How do you decide where to eat out?
Do you use Yelp or another website to check out reviews for restaurants, or do you just take a chance on your digestive health with whatever restaurant you come across?

TOMORROW IS ME & THE MISTER’S **18th**ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!

Mouth funk

2011-08-03T13:44:00.001-07:00

Once, when I still lived in my house in Texas, I watched a show on the Food Network where Giada (AKA “Little Big Head”) came on and told us all how SMART it is to put the herbs you buy into a glass of water and keep it on your counter. It would make them last MUCH longer than if you kept them in the fridge. So, I stole some herbs from my neighbor’s yard, found a pretty glass, and put them in water on my windowsill.

A few days later, my kitchen smelled like rotten carcasses. I followed my nose to the glass with the wilted herbs, and lifted the slimy stems out of the water. Gagging from the putrid stench, I shoved them into the garbage disposal. They must have smelled so bad, the garbage disposal didn’t want to have anything to do with them either, so it spit them right back up along with all the other scraps I had fed it earlier. Both sides of the sink were plugged up with rotten leftovers and decomposing herbs.

Picture that smell.

Now, picture Bosco’s mouth.

Now picture being trapped in 290 sq feet of living space with a boy who makes licking his butt a career (Bosco, not Jonathan), and who’s breath is so foul, you’d rather sit next to his hind end than his front end.

So, for the sake of our olfactory senses, we made an appointment to get the boy’s teeth cleaned at the vet’s office.

During the appointment, Dr. D pried open Bosco’s mouth, and showed me how he could WIGGLE LOOSE teeth (yes, plural). And all I could think was please Lord, I can’t afford doggy dentures, my boy is gonna have to make do gumming his food from now on. Maybe super glue would hold the dangling teeth in his mouth.

The vet said he’d have to run some blood tests (no, not to see if Jonathan was the real father…really, you people watch too much Maury Povich), and if it all turned out ok, then he’d have to extract teeth the next day while the little guy was under anesthesia.

Here’s the brave kid showing off the signatures on his pseudo cast (that’s where they put in a port for them to do blood work, and for whatever they stick in there during surgery).

The next morning, we went to see the results of the blood work. Bad news. Bosco’s got a bad liver. I swear I have not been making him gargle and swish his bad breath away with shots of Tequila. The vet THINKS it’s a genetic thing Yorkies have called a Liver Shunt. If he has this, it’s a blood vessel that carries blood around the liver instead of through it. As a result, the blood is not cleaned the way it’s supposed to since the liver is a filter. More tests are needed to find out why his little liver isn’t functioning properly.

Since going under anesthesia with a compromised organ is extra risky, we had to decide whether to go through with the oral surgery (rotten teeth are a health hazard as well as deal breaker on the date front…so I’m told).

And we decided to go ahead with the surgery. The kid has MAJOR separation anxiety, so we knew he’d fight to get back home to his spot on the couch.

And we were right.

(day 1 post surgery)

He was so ready to get home after surgery, the nurse said he woke up from the anesthesia before she could even clean him up. They called us to come pick him up as soon as his body temperature was back to normal.

Even though he was still stoned out of his mind.

Oooooh, I see flying chimpanzees and purple Milk Bones, mom! Why is the RV spinning? I see dead people.

(day 2 of pain meds)

In FOUR HOURS of surgery, the vet yanked out nearly all this boy’s teeth!! He only has 15 out of 42 teeth left. His new nickname is “Fang” since he only has ONE left.

Without front teeth, the Boskman did a great impersonation of Tweety Bird.

“I taut I taw a puddy tat! I did, I did tee a puddy tat!”

And now he’s back to normal. Giving puppy…uh, I mean geriatric (the vet says he’s a senior citizen)….kisses to his parents.

Portrait of a Family:

Our pocketbook is emptier, but our hearts are fuller. We LOVE our little troll!

The land of port

2011-07-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

Well, The Mister abandoned ship for a Mankind Project weekend with a bunch of hairy men, so I decided it was about time I tapped into my inner explorer, and head into the big city alone.

And because hauling myself around town in a truck that has hips as wide as the entire street is no fun…not to mention I’m a known killer in that thing (RIP Rocky the Squirrel and bye-bye birdy…clearly, birds and humans do not have a pact), I decided to use public transportation… Most. Fun. Thing. EVER!

Where else can you eavesdrop on conversations of the mentally ill? Or gold-toofed gangstas? I’m here to tell ya, I got an education on that bus.

And I fit right in.

When I got off the bus, the first order of business was to wash the cooties off my hands that I’d collected from the trip.

Check this out… Ever see a public bathroom that’s locked down like Fort Knox? I couldn’t resist. What treasure would be hiding behind THIS door? My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty…this was gonna be gooooood!

Then I opened up, and did a little happy dance up and down the walls! Boy howdy! A bathroom to match my Hulk shoes! Who’s your mama?

After playing with the water in the sink for longer than necessary, I decided to grab some grub. I followed my nose to this fancy, well reviewed place called “Tasty N Sons” where I could belly up to the bar facing the street.

And played with the water again. How come serving myself water is more fun at a restaurant than when I’m at home?

I ordered breakfast for lunch because I’m a grownup and I can do whatever I want. At least that’s what the mom sitting next to me told her kids when they begged her to let them order the same as me.

The eggs were fluffy perfection. It was like having a mouth full of yellow clouds. I think the reason they are yellow is because of all the butter they used to make it.

Recipe ingredients:
1 stick butter
1 egg
salt


I could have eaten a bigger portion because I like to eat my body weight at each meal. I went ahead and ordered a second course of a bacon wrapped date with maple syrup drizzled all over it.

This picture makes it look like the size of my fist, but really, it was small enough that I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. I may have chewed it with my mouth open since I couldn’t get my lips closed with it stuffed in there. The people I was facing on the street probably thought I was eating “see food.”

It was a great meal…two giant thumbs up! And afterwards, I was ready to waddle my stuffed belly down the streets of Portland to see what other adventures I could find.

A funny thing didn’t happen

2011-07-18T13:19:00.001-07:00

1.) We found a great RV park in Troutdale, Oregon to land “The Eagle.”

2.) Instead of exploring Oregon when we arrived, we decided to be rebels and go eat Pho (Vietnamese soup) in Washington.

3.) Buttlicker Bosco didn’t like that we left him behind, so he spent his time shredding Kleenex from a brand new box.

3.) We saw a big, famous waterfall just a few miles down the road from the RV park.

4.) Jonathan ordered this metal snowman looking doohickey for the RV using my sister’s Amazon account, and when she saw the email confirmation, she thought we were buying a homeopathic gas remedy.

5.) Jonathan thinks I’m destroying my olfactory senses with my fragrance smorgasbord. I say since I’m outnumbered by boys, it’s my only defense.

6.) It rains a lot in Oregon so on some days, we have to come up with our own entertainment. Slow motion horsey lips using our paparazzi camera.

7.) Sunset in this RV park turns the leaves on the trees golden.

Day trips to Portland coming soon!

Stiff as a board

2011-07-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, sure you remember my Pop, right? The guy I inherited all my mental illness from? Yep, it runs in the family.

You know, he’s the guy who only spends $4.95 per month on groceries because he’s mastered the art of two fisting the free samples at EVERY grocery store in a 30 mile radius from his house.

You'll also find him doing a little tap dance when he finds goose intestines in the refrigerator section at the Asian market. No lie.

Click Here for proof….or if you ate something rotten and need help barfing.

Well, now he decided he had terrorized Austin, Texas plenty, and it was time to travel across the globe to London, England. God Bless the Queen…she’s gonna need it!
Why, you may ask?

Oh, let’s just say, she may get her knickers in a wad if she saw him sprawled across her lawn looking like a corpse in the throws of rigor mortis.

This, my friends is a fad called “PLANKING” and my Pop has taken to it like a duck to water....or a worm to the ground.

Let’s just all say a collective prayer that the Queen’s royal dogs did not fertilize the lawn at Buckingham Palace that day.
Amen.

So, now, instead of getting pictures of him with a cheesy grin and a thumbs up sign in front of all the exciting tourist attractions, we’ve been watching him planking on things like….

Train seats…you know, where one’s derriere lingers while waiting to get from point A to point B. Pop, please tell us you’re holding your breath at least!!

Licking up pretzel crumbs at a street restaurant in Camden Market, London. Told you he was the free sample king.

And checking out a lion’s butt from the most interesting angle. See any health problems down there, Pop? Again, let’s hope the man was holding his breath.

Now, the reason I posted this today is because I know some of my blog readers are now gonna be itching to try this. And I’m here to tell you everyone of ALL AGES can participate in Planking.

Seriously, this is something you can do well into your 80’s….unless you’ve had both hips replaced, or severe arthritis….because when you’re done, you’re gonna want to be able to get up, ya know?

(No, this is NOT one of my crazy relatives)

Just make sure people know you’re still breathing. Maybe put a sticky note on your back saying, “I’m alive and planking.”

You hear that, Pop? I don’t want to hear you can’t come home because you’ve picked up a disease from someone giving you unnecessary mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Then again, how much dirtier can that be than wrapping your lips around the goose intestines?

**********

A mother’s prerogative

2011-07-14T14:40:00.001-07:00

After our Christmas in the summer experience at the Lake of the Woods, I was ready harness Bosco to the RV, and have him drag our sorry butts out of the frigid temperatures and into the sunshine.

Except lazy bones didn’t want to get out of his jammies to get to work.

What’s the point in having a beast of burden if he lays around all day refusing to earn his keep. I flipped him over, and he still wouldn’t budge.

So, I did what all good moms would do. I shamed him by making him wear his jammies out in public. That ought to teach him a lesson about sleeping in till noon.

And as further punishment, I didn’t let him ride the horse even though he begged me with his saddest *woe is me* face. As if I’d waste a quarter to let him spend 30 seconds feeling like John Wayne.

He’s just lucky he wasn’t as naughty as the time I forced him dress up like a newborn baby when it wasn’t even Halloween. My youngest sister may have had a hand in this little operation I like to call “Turn Bosco into Wee Willy Winky.”

And I gotta say, I’m feeling great knowing that at least MY hairy legs don’t hang over my socks at this point in my camping life.

Next stop in my pathetically far behind where we really are blog posting….TROUTDALE, Oregon!

Bragging rights

2011-07-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Junior has been working hard

on learning the alphabet.

Way to go my little

Barron Von Terdmeister!

Q&A

Q: So did you have to do anything special to make that "J" look so perfect?

A: No I did not arrange the letter "J" to make it look that good. I'm really not into photo styling.

Q: How many takes were involved in getting the perfect shot?

A: Believe it or not, the fuzzbutt did it on his first dookie of the day.

Q: How are you teaching him how to have such perfect penmanship...I mean crapmanship?

A: Oh, he's a natural. I just air draw the letter I want him to make, and he gets right to it.

Q: So how come he didn't spell his entire name, huh?

A: He ran out of gas. You know, the tank was empty.

**********

How a fantasy implodes

2011-07-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

On the road again,

Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Like to OREGON!

We left Yosemite, and the next stop was Lake of the Woods, Oregon. The whole trip there, I was picturing a scenic lake. Me laying out in the sun wearing my big movie star sunglasses, drinking a fruity drink while reading a gossip magazine. Turning Jonathan into an indentured servant feeding me sun ripened grapes, while fanning me with a sprig of pine needles.

Lake of the Woods campground got a 10 star rating as one of the most scenic places to visit in Oregon.
Zip Zip! We were in for a treat!

When we got there, it reminded me of Sherwood Forrest.

If Sherwood Forrest was in the Ice Ages.

The only laying out I ended up doing was laying on the dock in an exhausted heap after doing calisthenics to keep my frozen butt cheeks from getting gangrene.

And just because I can’t have too many pictures of myself.
Here are a few more for good measure.

This is me, looking like a reject.

I think the cold warped my pea brain, because why else would I try to catch frozen pieces of pollution on my tongue. I must have seen this in a movie, because I for surely did not learn this bizarre behavior in Texas.

Overall, Lake of the Woods is a beautiful place to visit….

…if you’re an Eskimo or a Chewbacca look alike.

Flight of the bumblebee

2011-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm now adding arteest to my list of accomplishments. And not just because I take liberties with how I color pictures in my coloring book these days. I'm kind of a big deal you know :)

This piece is titled "Up Yours!" And it's dedicated to all the art teachers I had in the past who told me the sky HAD to be colored blue, grass is green, and girls couldn't have blue hair. What did they know? Obviously they'd never been out of the suburbs.

Anyhoo, how good is this piece of art work? SO GOOD a bumblebee decided sit on my pony tail and look over my shoulder to take a peek.

And not only did he LOVE my pretty flower picture, I think he loved the smell of my delicious Matrix only sold in SALONS shampoo (unless you find it on the shelf at Walmart Hell, Target, or Walgreens....BAH!), and he promptly decided to get to work on building a bee hive Taj Mahal.

Then I had a great idea. Surely, if I took him on a tour of the campground, he'd find a much better spot to start building his queen a castle...or find a better head of hair (with LESS split ends) to attach itself to.

So did my brilliant idea work? Did the bumblebee move on to greener pastures? Or was there a repeat of what happened LAST time a bee attached itself to me?

http://midlifecruiser.blogspot.com/2011/01/attack-of-killer-munchkins.html

To find out, you have to endure a short video because I am an attention seeking missile.

Tree hugger

2011-06-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Speaking of rodents and snacks....

The park gave me a great idea for saving myself from a bear attack. They have these lockers outside every campsite to hide all your best snacks. If a bear should happen by, the theory is that they would attack your locker, devour your goodies, and leave you safe and sound, trembling like a sissy girl in the RV.

So here's the little squirrel I decided to store in our food locker...

Don't worry, I sprayed him down with lots of perfume, body lotion, and shoved some rosemary and four garlic cloves up his butt to make him tasty. I know that bear will enjoy his Amuse-Bouche and leave the main course (me) behind. Clever, no?

**********

And now for your lesson on Yosemite. Oh, hush your gums. I'm gonna learn you something, and you're gonna like it. Ok, so there's this grove of GIGANTIGOUS Sequoia trees you can hike to. (By hike, I mean park your car and walk about as far as you would to get into the mall. Calories burned =12)

Carry some hiking poles to confuse everyone around you. They will either think 1) you have polio or 2) that you are a nincompoop.

The crowning glory of the whole Sequoia grove is a tree called the Grizzly Giant. It's supposedly 2700 years old, but really, I think some nerd came up with that age to get us city slickers to "hike" out to see it. Honestly, how could they possibly know??

Oh, yes, I was trying to focus on the tree branch in front of my face.

Both the good looking guy and one of the largest trees on earth, weighing at least a million pounds are obviously secondary in comparison to that VERY interesting branch.

So, did I enjoy hanging out with the giant Sequoia trees in Yosemite?

Oh, yes. I loved them

T H I S much!!

Squirrel whisperer

2011-06-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

I should not be allowed near animals of any size.

Because I turn them into dependent, needy moochers in my desperation to be liked. Somehow, I don't think a squirrel's natural diet consists of anything fluorescent orange, packed with sodium, shaped like a triangle, and that smells like dirty feet.

Yeah, you guessed it....DORITOS!

After sharing a bag of chips with me, that lard butt wouldn't leave me alone. If the screen door was open, I'd see him plant his butt in front of the door, patiently waiting for a handout. When that wouldn't work, he'd chirp like a bird to earn his processed food fix. Obviously that kind of behavior earned him another handful of chips. What kind of monster do you think I am??

**********

This was our campsite in the Lower Falls area of Yosemite.

The days were the perfect temperature for bike riding and watching the wildlife in the park (are you picturing black bears, bobcats, red foxes, and mule deer??).....yeah, NO. The most fearful things we encountered were birds, squirrels, and insects.

These two little birdies should get it on and make some purple babies. Red + Blue = Purple, right?

♫ Chick a chick a bow bow! ♫

AND, no animals were harmed in taking these pictures...unless you count them possibly getting the "fierce winds" AKA gas from corn chips as harm.

Sorry to dump this on you...

2011-06-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Double the pleasure, double the fun, two poop posts are better than one!

Snickering here because the bear poop post grossed someone out so bad, they stopped following :) :) :) Luckily, the rest of you have stomachs of steel.

Me, I should have been an *animal* Proctologist just so I could snicker and make poop jokes all day. Except I WOULDN'T want to administer ANY of the exams (not to mention a lifetime of cracking my knuckles made my fingers stumpy.) One look at these chunky digits, and those quadrupeds would be clenching their butt cheeks in fear....literally.)

And if that happened, I wouldn't get to do what I do best....take animal poop pictures for my blog.
Now be sure to read those comments from yesterday. Some of you are just as bad as me with the poop jokes!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

**********

Ok, so here are a couple of pictures to reward all of you hard core blog followers for sticking with me:

Right out the back side (snickering as I type back side) of the RV,

we set up our chairs next to this raging river.

A great place to meditate.

Better than a double rainbow

(please tell me you've seen that YouTube video!)

A double waterfall.

Admit it...you were dying to know...

2011-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Does a bear really

sh!t in the woods?

Oh, yes sir!

He surely does!!!

Either that or Sasquatch dropped a deuce....

uh, I mean lots and LOTS of deuces along the trail.

And from this, I gather two things

(gather as in understand NOT gather as in pick up!):

1) He doesn't eat peanuts

2) He doesn't eat corn

So Long So Cal

2011-06-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

I bet you guys think we're working on leatherfying our skin on the warm sandy beaches in Southern California....well, let me dissuade you from that erroneous notion (TWO big words in one sentence! Too bad I wasted 1.5 minutes looking up the spelling and definitions to make sure the word cops don't chase me down).

Does THIS look like I'm laying out on a sunny beach to you?

Yes, there were LOTS better pictures with more scenery in the background (including snow capped mountains), but this particular shot shows off my best angle, so that's why you're getting this particular view...of me...looking like a toothpick with boobs.

So this is the welcome we got from beautiful Yosemite. SNOW!! Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while knows I'm NO FAN of the white turds that fall from the sky. This Texas girl needs warm sunshine to keep me from turning into a violent snowman abuser....Literally.

Here's what I mean in case you're just now tuning in
Click on the following link:
A quick death
Just a warning though, this video made a blog reader's (Cindy's) grandson cry. Yes, that's literally too.

Luckily for Yosemite, the beauty of the landscape overshadowed my hate of the snow. And while we were there, I got my wish and the snow melted (*insert insane cheering*). and I made my way out of my warm nest (AKA the RV) and we went out to discover what this park had to offer.

This was a big year for the waterfalls in Yosemite. There are nine major ones, and hundreds of minor ones (well, lookey here! A GEOLOGY lesson! See, this is an EDUCATIONAL blog)
And no, we did not go on a hunt for all of them. We saw a lot of them just by pulling over in "El Truck".

And I might have crawled into the truck bed to get a better vantage point. This is what I'd look like if I was 10 feet tall (my secret fantasy). All I need are some head to toe green tights, and a toga made out of leaves. Then I could pass for the the Jolly Green Giant.

Ho ho ho! (As in what the Giant says, not as in my occupation).

Stunted blogging

2011-06-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Introducing the New and.... (crap!! What's the opposite of improved?? I dunno because I don't have time to look it up!) Not Improved THIRTY MINUTE MIDLIFE CRUISER BLOG!

Yabetcha! I'm now condensing my blog into an ABRIDGED version :) Say what? You heard me! Gone are the days of 2 hour long photo editing (aka photoshopping myself into a MUCH hotter version), writing (cause in real life I'm seriously NOT FUNNY), and font editing (to distract my readers from the lack of content).

I've set the timer on el microondas (don't say this blog isn't educational. I just learned you some Spanish!)
And now I only have 15 minutes left.

And when that sucker starts a buzzing, not only am I going to start salivating (I'm like Pavlov's dog thinking I've scored a treat coming out of the oven), but I'm also going to end the blog post. As in mid sentence if need be. Or maybe even mid word. You may not even see a picture....even if I'm talking about my favorite subject....POOP! Ok, those posts will START with the poop picture just to make sure I can squeeze it (hahahaha!! anyone else laughing at that middle school humor??) in the time frame.

See, this blog is now like a stream of consciousness. Don't you love peeking into how my warped brain actually functions UNEDITED?? Holy mother of Bosco!! hehe! I know, that's me :) I just realized I only have FIVE MINUTES left and no picture. Do you think I can get the picture copied and pasted in time? I guess you'll find out if you get to see a picture. Ok, ok, I'm going, I'm going!!

Here's one of Jonathan getting a back massage from Boy Wonder.

Let's just call this what it is.
Child labor. Good thing Mighty Mouse can't call the cops on us.
Now we have him giving us round the clock Swedish massages. And when that microondas buzzes, I'M NEXT!

Oh look, I have 14 seconds left! I wonder how much font editing I can squeeze in before the tim...........

A teency peek into my journal (for reals!)

2011-05-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

We are all perfect.

Warts, scars, bULgEs, wrinkles.

THIS is how we were meant to look.

God thinks we are perfect

~ at every age

(me in kindergarten)

~ in every size

~ in EVERY condition.

Since were made in His image

(my mom and pop's engagement pic taken in Italy)

we are…

Male and Female

versions of His perfect self.

In all our stages of life,

we are PERFECT

and we are beautiful.

(my sweet Louisiana grandparents)

We were not...

made to look youthful our entire stay on earth.

If that was His idea of perfection,

he would have made it so.

Instead, in arrogance,

we decided that perfection

was to desperately grip

on to a youthful, tight package

to house our aging spirit.

What a great joke.

What a great diversion.

What a terrific way to DISTRACT ourselves

from our inner voice

that is begging to be heard.

And if only we could find a way to

~clear a path~

to our STUNNING,

PERFECT spirit within,

we would hear it whispering…

Beauty comes from within.

Much love to all of you who stop by to check up on us.

I know some of you sweet old crackers are keeping tabs on us

to make sure we haven't turned into a couple of

wrinkly California Raisins by now :)

We are still busy

s q u e e z i n g

every drop of fun

out of our lazy life at the beach!

Soon we will be off to explore Yosemite,

so more adventures coming soon!

Steppin' to the oldies

2011-03-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally
broke down and did it.

I plunked down some clams, and I joined a gym.

And not just because *I can wash my grimy self*

(and my sweaty gym clothes)

in their hot showers at
no additional charge.

Nope, I MISSED the
camaraderie of being in a group fitness class
with a bunch of sweaty mouth breathers like me!

**********

So I poured over the group fitness schedule
like I was gonna get a test over it,
and finally decided that the first class I would take would be
Step Aerobics!!

And I got to class extra, super duper EARLY

to set up my bench right in the front

so I could hog the mirror

all for myself.

I was standing there grinning so big,
it wrapped around my entire head.

I looked like
Susy Sunshine on Crack!

I was vibrating with excitement
waiting for the teacher to get there.

And then finally, when I felt like I was about to pop,
~~one of the Golden Girls~~ the instructor
walked in with her droopy "girls"

tucked tightly into her waistband.

And I thought,

"What the heck kind of workout am I gonna get

from a 71 year old semi-retired step queen??"

And when she turned on her music...

I was horrified to discover
it was Neil Diamond set to a 32 count beat.

With a little Diana Ross for some flava
blasting out of the high tech speakers.

Say what?!?!

And I nearly walked out.

But I thought my CPR skills would come in handy

in case grandma forgot to take her heart pills before class.

And the next thing you know,
she started the class and I realized
in very short order...

I was SORELY mistaken.

This was nobody's grandma.

This was Attila the Hun

Reincarnated into the body
of a 71 year old militant Step Sergeant!!!

That aged dragon lady yelled orders in her
crackling warble of a voice the entire time.

And I had placed my front row
formerly grinning self
right smack dab
in
her
line
of
fire.

Suck in your gut.

I want to see your belly button
attach itself to your spine.

You're not doing it right.

Suck it in!!

Suck it in!!!

LISTEN!

I said Suck it in!!

I was worried she was going to go get her cane

and start whacking the back
of our knees for misconduct.

Did I mention I PAID MONEY FOR THIS?!?!

And you want to know something sick?

I was in HEAVEN!!

Yes, THIS is my idea of a good time!

THIS is what I've been missing!
And before the class was even over,
I had sweaty eyelids
forearms
fingernails
and elbows
PLUS
A map of the United States
appeared in sweat on my shirt...

...um, minus Florida.

So not only will I be back to the
Senior Step Goddess' class,

but I want to stock my cupboards with
whatever vitamins are keeping that
old broad alive.

I'm telling you straight.
That was 
THE Best. Workout.Ever! 

Granny's got game.

**********

*What kind of music gets you pumped up to exercise?
-I love to shake, squeeze, mold, and flex my buns to pimply faced teeny bopper Top 40,
hip hop, and dance music (like you'd hear in a club...not that this
stay at home party animal ever goes dancing at clubs.)

*Do you like getting yelled at when you work out?

-Do I ever! I'm the girl who dreams about how much fun real military bootcamp would be!!

**********

We're in luck! Another fridge to snoop through!
(I asked readers to show me theirs because I showed them mine)
This is a cool one since WildShan usually eats Paleo
(you know, like Captain Caveman)
Click Here to see what's lurking
behind her refrigerator door.

There goes the neighborhood

2011-03-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

Well, we are now officially

freeloading squatters.

Jonathan has a friend in Escondido

who has property with 360° views that make my jaw drop.

Nah, it's not Cousin Arnold's place.

...and he said we could jazz up

his neighborhood with our RV!

You think the neighbors would mind if we put out our...

*Chili Pepper Tacky Lights

*AstroTurf outdoor rug

*and a Pink Plastic Flamingo?

And now I get to go on nature walks

on these horse trails that start

right (or left)

outside

our door.

My walks start with stepping over this hairy baboon.

J-Man! Get your puny butt outta my way before I

mow. you. down.

Working past that first furry roadblock,

I got to my next one.

Yes, it's furry too.

I call this Wiley Coyote's

Last Supper

Sorry Bugs Bunny!

Guess you weren't Wascally enough

to get away THIS time.

Next, I worked on stepping o

this scaly Alligatorasaurus taking up the

E N T I R E

trail as he was working on getting rid of his

numerous tan lines.

Aww, now isn't this little guy cute?

I'm gonna hug him and kiss him and squeeze

him with all my heart and be such a great friend and...

...wrap a leash around his neck,

give him a name (how about George?)

and walk him home.

But then, sadly, I realized

Jumonkulous Junior

is an only child with O.C.S.

Only Child Syndrome.

Yes, he IS a special needs dog.

As in NEEDS all kinds of special attention

from his loving parents...

...or he turns into a

deranged demon dog.

And does the moonwalk on my keyboard.

(See what I have to put up with around here)

**********

Now, if I could have figured out a way

to wrap a leash around Seabiscuit's neck

(who happens to be nosy about who hikes on his trail)....

...without being hung from a tree for being a horse thief

(Yes, Texans have to worry about these things)

Or without having my eyeballs

itch like mad and run like a drippy faucet.

...from being allergic to

horse ~~dander~~ dandruff

(a little Head and Shoulders would go a long way)

I would have happily ridden

my new pet off into the sunset.

Jonathan's Picture of the Day:

**********

* What pets do you have?

-Bosco, and a whole lotta dust mites

*What pet do you dream about

taking home, but know you can't?

-Before we got Bosco, I wanted a rabbit as a fall backplan if Jonathan wouldn't get me a dog.

I had to work on the Mister for a while before my charm won him over.

Bosco's funny personality and the fact that he was

a daddy's boy from day one didn't hurt :)

Extra, extra

2011-03-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

Check out the

brand new

"About Us" tab

right below the header!

AND as an added BONUS...

(sorry, I won't be throwing in a super sharp

"As Seen On TV" knife that never dulls or rusts)

...if you have any

QUESTIONS for either of us,

shoot them our way in a comment,

and I'll answer them in a FAQ tab next!

Disclaimer: If you ask questions about personal stuff

like what kind of deodorant we wear,

how much money I spend on tooth whitener,

or if Jonathan is a boxers or briefs boy,

then I'll get to decide if your NOSY question makes the cut.

Oh, the power, the power...

It just might be getting to my head.

Yes, already.

On your mark, get set, pose!

2011-03-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

I swear I DID RUN the

Palm Springs Half Marathon

(when I wasn't busy taking pictures for my blog buds)

And I swear the race wasn't just an excuse

to hang out with my girls by the hotel pool in Palm Springs.

(I may or may not have brought a bar of soap

into the pool to get in a REAL bath for once)

Let's call this drip drying time...

Hey Look...
It's my running bud Ann!!

(She's really my big sister's friend,

but I'm working on stealing her for myself)

And speaking of big sisters...

My big sister Tania is a runner too....

and uses the time to gripe at me for always wearing

~Running Skirts~

Although, I spared her my mini-skirt hotness

THIS time....

but only because I knew I'd be whipping out

my new shimmery pink MAC lip gloss

that I bought just for the race,

and had stashed in my fanny (hehe) pack for later.

Shiny lips make me run faster!

**********

Some people (Ann and Tania)

were serious runners.

They came prepared with all the

proper running accouterments.

Like fuel belts loaded with liquid nastyness

to rehydrate their droopy muscles...

or whatever they're for.

And Some people

(who me?)

just rehydrated with with whatever beverage

the "cheerful" onlookers were handing out along the road

I was just holding the glass

for the picture, officer.

I SWEAR, the drink's not mine.

I know I got passed up a lot.

Stumbling, singing, drunken

college kids were F A S T E R than me.

Even the ones playing musical instruments

and wearing nothing but a rooster costume

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - zipped on by me.

I'm not even gonna lie.

A Grandpa wielding a cane

in his gnarled crepe-paper wrinkly fist

Kicked my trash!!!

That was ONE speedy old fart!

And check out those killer leg muscles.

WOWZAS G-Pa!

**********

And besides dragging my

concrete legs around,

I was HAPPY!

I was running with my SISTER and my

STOLEN FRIEND ANN!

And then my runner's high came to a screeching

(or more like shattering) halt

Right. Here.

KABAM!!!

SMASH!!!!

CR A CK!!!!

My cell phone fell to the asphalt

and the asphalt won.

And from that time forward,

not only was my screen a web of glass,

but my phone pictures turned out

~~psychedelic~~

I swear, I did NOT really drink that booze earlier!

And YOU SHOULD

ALL BE THANKFUL!!!!

Because you know I can't pass up

an opportunity to SHARE

what the port-o-potties look

like during a race.

(and you're really gonna need

those rose colored glasses)

I'm not talking about what it

looks like on the outside

(you should be so lucky)

Because it's what's on the

inside that counts, right?

So there you have it. You can either:

Look at it as half empty. Or half full.

NOTE: This was for educational purposes only.

Be glad it wasn't a live demonstration.

**********

And in the end, we all survived the 13.1

And we got medals just like in the Olympics!

(Sporting an Army shirt since I dedicated this run to

my awesome Army grandparents who both were in WWII.

They were my heroes!)

BOOYAH!!!

You better believe I'm gonna wear that sucker

well after the shine wears off!

Or until I can trade it in for a new phone screen.

Yeah, honey, it's gonna take

more than duct tape to put that screen

back together again.

Good thing my man's got an aptitude

for fixing the things I break.

Taking care of me is his

FULL TIME JOB!

Lucky for me, I can make a pretty

darn good pitiful face!

******

Please leave your blog's URL (website)

when leaving a comment!

If you don't I'll give you the evil eye,

and you will get a bad case of the squirts.

The queen's castle

2011-03-02T22:21:00.000-08:00

You know when you go over to

somebody's house

for the first time,

how you *SERCRETLY* hope

they will take you on the grand tour of their house.

And while they are busy talking about...

~their handcrafted 12 inch crown moulding,

~how hard it is to get "the help" to clean the baseboards,

~and how how great grandma Pearl had to kick the bucket to

get their hands on her circa 1802 antique armoir

All you want to do is peek under their bed to see if

THAT'S where they stash their dirty socks

(and even dirrrrtier magazines)

Well, folks, here's your chance to get the grand tour of our

THIRTY FOUR FOOT

Love Shack on Wheels

...but only because we just moved, and I cleaned it up real good

AKA, no dirty anything for your nosy butts to see.

**********

See my pink snuggie (actually FOLDED!!!)

on my Lazy Girl in the picture below?

Ok, so our front door is right next to that.

When Triple B

(Bad Breath Bosco)

has to launch himself out the door for an

emergency

evacuation

procedure,

All I have to do is reach over and push the latch,

without even having to get up.

I love my lazy streak!

The heterosexual male model is demonstrating

the location of the dining room.

The laptop is used as a placemat around here.

It never moves.

Hey, LOOKIE!!!

A GAS stove!

I had to move to an RV to get my dream stove.

No lie.

We've always been stuck with electric ones

in all the houses we've lived in.

This one runs off propane.

There's a tank somewhere below.

I don't look under the RV.

That's where the

meece used to live.

Just past the stove and the fridge

is our bathroom and bedroom.

We have a shower, but no tub.

Some shite (an obsene word for feces

in another language, so I can say it) head

RV architect

didn't think it was a good RV design to have a tub.

He must not have had a wife.

And me don't thinks he'll be getting one.

Our toilet is NUNYA.

As in nunya business!

It's so special,

it gets it's own little room.

I know, I know,

You're disappointed because

you wanted to see what kinds of magazines

we use to stimulate our bowels.

Would you believe it's

"Escapees: Sharing the RV Lifestyle"

A queen can dream about fancy rigs

that actually have BATHTUBS

while sitting on her throne,

can't she?

WHAT???

You didn't think I was talking about myself

...did you?

**********

Yeah, I know.

You gotta click on the

10:21 pm time stamp

if you want to

MAKE or READ comments.

AND remember to

ADD YOUR BLOG'S website

when you leave a comment

so we can all become blog besties!

And do each other's hair, and nails and have

pillow fights! Oh, suuuuure,

cuz that's what ALL besties do....

especially when they are 37 years ancient.

Technology is my

Arch Nemesis.

I want to teleport myself to the days of

Little House on the Prairie so I wouldn't
have to deal with all this high tech gadget crapola.
And I could wear pretty dresses with no waistbands,
and eat homemade biscuits every day for breakfast!

(HEY! I bet some of you readers

can remember THOSE old horse and buggy days!!)

heheehehehehehehehe!

***If you could live in
ANY time period,

which would you choose??

P.S. Running buds, check out Laura's blog.
Her husband wears goggles to cook onions,
and her sister is her only follower
(besides me, and that ain't sayin much)
As we say in Texas...Bless her heart! :)
click here
if you want to read about her
date with a foam roller.

ONLY 8 inches tall and world famous

2011-02-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

BAD BOY

Bosco...

...was starting to cop a 'tude

thinking he was "All That" plus a bag of chips

(uh, that would be a bag of Freetos

becuse of his Funky Freeto smelling Feet).

I guess the bad attitude came with his

uncanny resemblance

to the equally hairy bad boy...

Brad Pitt.

Now don't start batting your eyelashes,

and making goo goo, kissey lips at my boy.

Because this is NOT the look

I want my son to sport.

NOPE, this overprotective mama

can't have her boy looking like

a homeless TRASH DIGGER,

(which Little Jabookie literally is)

And, especially when it comes to....

* dirty Kleenex (this must taste like filet mignon to the boy)

* bacon greased paper towels

* vegetables past their prime

* toilet paper rolls (don't ask)

**********

So we got jiggy with the clippers

(read: turned Jonathan into José Eber)

And worked on giving the hairy boy

an ambush make-over!

A lot

of time passed.

A LOT

of hair fell

on the ground

And the boy

*wasn't pleased *

with our hard work.

And gave us the stink eye

the entire time.

No, our boy was NOT amused.

And at the end of it all,

we could have scooped this all up

and made a new dog out of it.

Bosco always wanted a brother.

Or donated it to needy

bald headed men

around the world.

Cheaper than hair plugs.

Thicker too.

**********

And now,

without any further buildup,

May I present you

with the improved version

of our little man...

Complete with

Muscle Pants

Just like

MC Hammer's

You're darn right!

Now we have to deal with him

copping a 'tude AGAIN.

"You can't touch this"

Now he's gonna ask for Evian Water baths,

and an endless supply of crusty Kleenex.

What's next?

A pedicure and a

hot stone massage???

I guess it's the price we pay for having a

celebrity look alike in the family.

**********

~How often do you get your hair cut?

Whenever Jonathan notices my split ends from the other side of the RV,

I book an appointment.

~How do you decide where to go....

especially if you're on the road?
I haven't had my hair cut since Jonathan's cousin got ahold of me in Utah...

Well, unless you count all the times I grab the scissors

and give my bangs a craptastic trim.

And made myself look like a mental deficient in the process.

Thanks for all the supportive comments

about my lack of blogging stamina :)

You guys are SO GREAT!!

You're like an extended network

of family and friends,

and I appreciate you all!

XOXO

***P.S. Not sure why, but for now,
click on the 8:23 pm time stamp below
if you'd like to make a comment,
or to ask me what kind
of conditioner I use
(no, it's not bacon grease)

And of course, after I post
those directions, the comment link
will be back working like normal.

Blogger is plotting against me so
I can be an example to all the
Little People
(those under 5 foot 2)
of why trying to be
Miss PERFECT
is a lousy idea.
Ok, ok. You're right.
It's Mrs. Perfect.
:)

Jumped out of the loop

2011-02-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

I've been a real bad girl.

And I'd say I probably deserve a spanking.

Except, I got MORE than my fair share of them growing up.

Nah, I didn't get my teeth knocked out

by mom wielding her wooden spoon.

That's just a result of twisting loose teeth

so I could make a fortune

off the tooth fairy.

How else do you think we got this

nest egg saved up to go full time RVing??

So before you get all mad at me for

abandoning my little blogola,

let me tell you the story....

NO, IT DOES NOT. . .

~ Involve an abduction by Scurvy infected pirates while we lived on the beach,

~ Falling and breaking all my fingers at the half marathon,

~ Getting adult-onset amnesia after getting knocked in the head

one too many times as a kid. My big sister was MEAN!

She even gave me a black eye once...

well, we were playing baseball, and let's just say,

she got real tired of me following her around,

copying her every move.

It was a serious case of sister worship!

And this picture is my revenge.

Although since she doesn't read my blog,

I think I'll have to come up with

something better to get back at her.

**********

NO, the truth is,

I got LAZZZZZZY!!!!!!

I'm not talking about your run of the mill lazy

(you know, when you ask your ~~servant~~ spouse to get your purse

even though it's an arm reach away)

And I realized I needed time

to connect with myself

because I found myself with an empty tank.

And feeling old and run down.

After celebrating my 37th birthday.

So I treated myself to

L O N G break,

while continuing my quest to learn how to

FIND BALANCE...

...as I discover ways to take better care of myself

so I can live to be a really, old, wrinkly hag

torturing all the neighbors with complaints

about my bowel movements.

And since I only get one shot at this life,

I want to be out there

LIVING it

*and not always with a camera dangling from my neck*

**********

So there you have it!

My blogging will continue be sporadic,

my comments fewer,

my life richer,

my blog

poorer

But I will be having FUN and finding JOY

in all that I choose to do!

**********

Do you ever feel like taking a break from your blog?

Do you ever feel like you are always plugged in

and technology is taking over your life?

What do you like to do when you take a break from

blogging, facebook, internet, phones, television?

**Even though I choose to go on a technology detox**

I DID miss you guys, I thought of you often,

and can't wait to catch up!

Beach blogcation

2011-02-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

Well, the keyboard finally arrived a

L O N G

long time ago :)

And my own personal

Geek Squad

fixed it for me.

And I practiced typing the letters

"t" and "y"

to build up the strength in the two fingers

that suffered muscle atrophy

from disuse.

While Jabookie MONITORED

my internet use to make sure I wasn't

slacking off by surfing for internet porn...

AS IF!

And as his punishment for spoiling my fun,

I fed him a couple of useless letters.

Poor Junior, those little black squares

are surely gonna get stuck in his teeth.

But don't worry...

He has his own toothbrush

and parents that help him keep up his

oral hygiene.

(Because if we didn't we'd have to suffer breathing in his mouth funk)

**********

So WHY haven't I been blogging?

Hmmmmmm

Maybe it's because...

* We have a sandy beach at our doorstep.

* Sunsets we can enjoy from inside or outside

*Been playing on the beach

with a beach bum that

I get to take home with me.

* Finding gear to wear to intimidate

my fellow half marathoners so I can

win the race.

*Getting my toes did

because I deserve it.

And so that I can catch up on

all the important news I've missed.

*Running 13.1 miles on a training run

because it felt so darn good!

Jonathan Junior joined me for the last .1

* Took myself shopping for BIGGER pants

to hide my ever growing permanent

BLOATED Buddha Belly.

And trying to figure out WHY

this is happening to me.

(Sorry Pop, I'm not carrying a litter)

* And finally, turning little Ewok Jabookie

into a...

pink loving

cross-dressing

Snuggie wearer.

*********

So there you have it...

some of my great excuses for

WHY I AM

trashing technology

and

taking a BEACH blogcation.

For however long it takes

to get an even tan!

*********

Well y'all!

There's EXACTLY ONE WEEK

until my half marathon!

I'm running it in honor of my grandparents

**Take care blog buds!**

As California's governor

Schwarzenegger once put it...

I'll be baaaack!

A couple of voyeurs

2011-01-30T23:51:00.000-08:00

MAN Almighty!!

What is it about kids plastering themselves

against the windows to get the best view

at the ZOO?

Some of us " Fun Sized " adults

would like a chance to get close enough to

leave OUR smudgy fingerprints on the windows too.

Hey twirp, you better peel your

lizard looking self off that

window before that bear decides you smell

better than you look.

**********

I decided to pass on

elbowing kids out of my way at the

Lion's Den

NOT because I wanted to make sure if anything

went wrong, the lion would eat the kids as appetizers

while I would make tracks on their backpacks as I sprinted away.

No sir, it was only because I was

**smart enough**

to read the sign below:

I am thankful I at least learned how to

READ

with my public school education.

Because this big guy's

hairy buttocks...

Had really good aim.

Really.

Good.

Aim.

**********

Speaking of butts...

Unless we plan on getting

Botox

on our butt cheeks,

and maybe J-Lo booty implants

when we get OLD,

THIS...

is what we will see when we turn around and

check out our droopy backsides in the mirror.

I guess we can at least be thankful

we are HUMANS

and can hide

wrinkly butts

saggy skin

under our clothes

And that nobody puts us behind glass

to watch our EVERY movement....

Especially our BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

I zoomed in and FYI, Paul and Marti there are

NO peanuts in the elephant's poop.

**********

Jonathan's Picture of the Day:

I love this picture SO MUCH!

The grouchy dad wouldn't give his kid even a

teency tincey little nibble of his lettuce.

I hope he gets green diarrhea for being so stingy.

THANK YOU ANN for THE ZOO TICKETS!!

Do you like going to the ZOO?

- Only the ones that provide their animals a natural habitat.

And even still, it makes me sad that these beautiful creatures

can't enjoy real freedom in their native environment.

What are your favorite zoo animals?

-PRIMATES!! I love how expressive they are.

And how they remind me of my little J-Man :)

**********

Oh, and I want to thank KAREN who suggested I try this :

Copy the T and the Y together... and each time you paste,

it pastes them both, then delete the one you DON'T need in that word

I will do this until my new keyboard arrives

(yep, it's still in limbo. I could have built a new one out of

chewing gum and recycled soda cans by now)

Scantily-Clad Semi-Silent Saturday

2011-01-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

Got Milk?

Sunglasses are a man's best friend

Don't start dancing a jig...

* Still No Keyboard *

I had to copy and paste

EACH

t and y

Now that's Blog Love for ya!

**********

What's the most outrageous outfit

you've seen someone prancing around in...

IN PUBLIC!!

What are your hot plans this weekend?

- Mine included copying and pasting those two letters

over and over and over and over and over!

And tomorrow we're going to Costco

to get ready for BOONDOCKING

at the beach, then in the desert!

Hol half marahon!

2011-01-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

18 shor das unil m

HALF MARAHON

in Palm Springs!!

(No, I'm no kneeling down o he sun god,

HIS is m idea of an ice bah afer a long run)

M longes run so far has been 8 miles.

Am I scared?

No Wa!

I plan o wear hose cool

rollerskaing ennis shoes.

ha wa, if I ge ired, I can have someone

push me o he finish line.

OR...

I could seal one of hese

ho rods from Wal Mar Hell

and jus ride m wa o firs place.

here's even a baske

where I can carr m medal

and some recover bananas!

Jonahan even said he'd decorae i

wih colorful sreamers

and nois soda cans

ied o he back.

And heeeer's NADA!

2011-01-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

I'm no amused ha

m NEW keboard

is going for a joride

on he mail lad's ruck.

he ho-bag is probabl using i o

compose love leers o her

"innocen" prison bofriend.

I have ried o sa OFF he compuer

bu I am an addic

and have been suffering

wihdrawal smpoms.

I'm alking full ou sweas,

irriabili, depression,

vomiing, and running hrough he srees

dressed in jus m Snuggie.

es, I REALL do have a Snuggie.

I begged m Sugar Dadd o bu me one

for an earl birhda prese

(Remember he box ha came in he mail??)

And before ou could sa,

"As seen on elevision"

we wen and go HIM one oo!

(es, we ma be a couple of dorks,

bu we are dorks wih warm phalanges)

Here is a picure from beer imes.

BEFORE

I gave m keboard a shower.

And if our house were cleaner,

and I didn' look like I had homemade ampuaed legs,

I'm *sure* we would have been picked

o be in a Snuggie commercial.

**********

How clean do ou keep ur house?
-I like keeping everhing I own a arm's reach.
No lie...once I si down, I do no wan o ge up!

How ofen do ou deep clean?
-Since we live in a 34 foo house, when we se our minds o cleaning,
i onl akes 10 minues o deep clean he whole enchilada! I LOVE m house!!!

Shi, no again!

2011-01-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

Pu a fork in me,

I'm DONE!

Even he craz voices in m head

are saring o sound like

deranged denal paiens

wih MISSING....

1. (t/oo/th) n. pl. teeth (tEth)

a. One of a set of hard, bonelike structures rooted in sockets in the jaws of vertebrates, typically composed of a core of soft pulp surrounded by a layer of hard dentin that is coated with cementum or enamel at the crown and used for biting or chewing food or as a means of attack or defense.

(hank ou dicionar.com!!!)

**********

...So unil I ge m NEW

keboard in he mail,

(Jonahan was invening some

new swear words afer ring

o fix he one I drowned)

**I'm dropping m blog...**

(uh huh, ha's righ!)

like a ho hair dookiesick!

Poor JJ (Jonahan Junior)

don' ge no respec around here.

Wha? A leas I feed he bo 3 square meals a da

as can be evidenced b his manl poops.

**********

Don' worr, I'll be salking blogs while

he mail lad akes her *swee arse* ime

delivering me a new keboard.

(No, ha's no he mail lad. And i's no m new keboard eiher.

I's an EARL BIRHDA PRESEN for MEEEEEE!!!!!)

And I suppose I'm gonna have o

si on m hands o keep mself from

making commens on everone's blogs.

(AKA pearls of wisdom ha ou can' live wihou)

BECAUSE...

I CANNO be making a fool ou of mself.

I DO have a REPUAION o uphold.

Which means I can' go around sounding

like a oohless crackhead

living in a fifh wheel railer

*because no onl would I sar losing followers*

bu, more imporanl, I'd lose m sree cred

Street n. /strēt/

Cred n. /ˌkred/
a. your "coolness" factorb. imaginary "points" you get when you do something cool

ex. Oh snap, I just punched that guy in the face--*plus 1 street cred* .

ex. Oh snap, you just got punched in the face--*minus 1 street cred* .

So, unil we mee again...

Feel free o sop b and leave me

los of messages!

I will be collecing hem all

like a squirrel hoarding

nus for he winer.

AND

(copied and pased from anoher pos...)

*****WHEN YOU MAKE A COMMENT*****

and you see THIS in reeeeeally tiny print:

Optional: Link to your website

*PLEASE ENTER

YOUR BLOG ADDRESS*

ex. mine is http://midlifecruiser.blogspot.com

**********

Now I'll ge o find ou

who ook he ime o read

his pos o he ver end

and who gave up like a

bunch of siss quiers!

Missing leers!

2011-01-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

here are wo leers

MISSING

in m words oda.

Le's jus sa, waer and lapops don' mix!

For some reason,

he leers " " and " "

are he onl ones ha

decided o go on srike!

Couple of Slackers!

Mabe I don' need hose

wo lous leers anwa.

For once, i will give ou readers a chance o WORK

for our enerainmen !

Plus, ou can ge a glimpse of wha

I would SOUND like oall WASED.

Since I NEVER hi he sauce,

his is our onl chance o make fun of me

for slurring m words ogeher.

**********

And for he record...

I cause enough rouble WIHOU liquor.

I even have a picure o prove i.

Here's me, causing rouble sans booze.

See, I old ou.

his is wha happens when I ge invied o a par.

M friends who used o live in exas, bu abandoned i for Arizona

(Cina and Evan)

are he ones who made me do i.

No o menion, I wasn' he onl one

involved in he crime.

he had heir fingerprins

all over ha oile paper oo!!

And if he cops had come b

I would have sung like a canar.

hose Suckas!

**********

Ok, Ok!!!

Jonahan is BEGGING me

o hand over he lapop

so he can work his voodoo magic on i.

He's a maser a cleaning up ALL m messes.

ha's one of he reasons

I married he sain :)

**********

ou ever oile paper someone's house before?

If so, ow old were ou?

If ou haven' , hen wha's sopped ou??

A $5 date

2011-01-19T23:15:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my BOLD cannonball moves,

(I highly recommend it if you're desperate, or just desperate for attention)

the pool boy asked me out to lunch!

And since I'm a cheap date

and trailer trash

to boot...

I wanted to go somewhere we could

unwrap our food.

(gonna use that plastic fork to

pick my teeth after lunch)

Whoo Hoo!

Cheap Eats.

You can't even buy a lettuce leaf

for that price.

San Diego's famous fish tacos

GET IN MY BELLY!!

My date thinks shoving food

into his PIE HOLE is

serious business.

This is not the time to:

*discuss the state of the union

*ask him the answer is to 452 ÷ 7

*or ask him for a nibble

I even licked the paper,

it was THAT good.

Burp!

*********

Where do you go for a cheap hot date?

What kind of food do you like to unwrap?

**********

OK, Get this...

I have been banging my fist on the keyboard all day

because the internet service has been

SOOOOO slow at the RV park today.

*As soon as I think I have a signal, it times out*

And don't even get me started with why I can't

read blogs on a tiny phone screen!

Don't those buttmunchers at the front desk

know I'm trying to hang out

with my blog buds?!?!

So, I'm sorry I haven't been able to snoop around on your blogs,

and all I'm gonna say is that They better fix it

by tomorrow, or I'm gonna pull out all

my best Guido Mafia moves on them!

I hope I can get this posted before it times out...

So cross your fingers (except for Cindy who is missing her

vulgar-gesturing digit and we don't want to make her feel bad),

toes, hair (not if you're sporting the roll on deodorant look),

AND boobs (ok, just the girls)!

~Here's hoping tomorrow

is a better internet day!~

A face only a mother could love

2011-01-18T23:20:00.000-08:00

Nope.

This is NOT how I look when

I wake up in the morning.

And it is not me

poppin a chitlin

(in the middle of labor)

And I'm fo sho

NOT

Hiding out in the bathroom

*indisposed*

(in the middle of pinching a loaf)

This is the face I make

when I'm inflating my cheeks

to keep me from sinking...

...When I show off my hard core

CANNONBALL

trick to all the 89 year olds

at the pool in the RV park.

(you're never too old to learn)

And to the hot guy

checking me out...

The next one's for YOU!

But this time in

S L O W motion.

Take notes.

READY.

GET SET.

GO.

After admiring all my smokin hotness,

and my killer cannonball moves,

that boy better ask me out on a date.

**********

How old were you when you learned to swim?

And did you like it?

- I was in elementary school when I learned how.

My grandma's brother, Uncle Richard taught me.

In his Cajun accent, he'd yell, "Swim to me, Nellie!"

and then right when I got close enough to reach out for him,

the sneaky bastard would take a giagantigous step back.

What a butt licker! I still love him though :)

Do you like swimming in the ocean?

-Heck NO! I am not fond of slimy fish and sea monsters that I can't see.

Even the seaweed freaks me out.

If I can't see the polish on my toes, I ain't getting in.

Nuff Said.

Learning is not just for dummies in school

2011-01-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

(If you want to get your kids to stop picking their noses,

this little trick ought to do it. Either that, or

they'll think of it as a booger garnish.)

Just figured this out

(no, not the nose picking thing)...

*****WHEN YOU MAKE A COMMENT*****

and you see THIS in reeeeeally tiny print:

Optional: Link to your website

*PLEASE ENTER

YOUR BLOG ADDRESS*

ex. mine is http://midlifecruiser.blogspot.com

(I'm pretty sure you only have to enter it ONE time and it remembers it forever)

This should make it to where

everyone can find YOUR blog...

without you having to resort

to drastic measures
to get your fancy blog some attention.

No this is *not* my car.

And I did NOT vandalize some stooge's

old jalopy

with bumper stickers....

I would have used toilet paper.

this is a test

2011-01-17T18:49:00.001-08:00

Come play "test disqus" with us!
This is where all the cool kids hang out on the Martin Luther King holiday.
You're missing ooooout!!
Plus, I'm left justifying and not using crazy font sizes just this once :)
Ok, I used bold once.
I don't think that's crazy though.
And ALL comments are welcome here.
Even the ones who think I'm nutso.

This post may disappear at any time.
So this is your chance to make a random comment.
Like, I like monkey butt hairs...or whatever!

Ok, you get the picture.

YES, this is a test post, so stop looking for a picture.

And if this commenting system self destructs like the one I installed last night,
I'm gonna go yard on someone's arse....
Is it considered a bad word if you don't speak that particular language?